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Okay, so I tried one once—don’t judge! This chick, total pro, knew spots I didn’t even know existed! Like, behind the knees? Who knew?! Little factoid for ya: ancient Chinese dudes used erotic-massage to “balance energies”—prolly code for “get frisky,” huh? Made me happy as hell—muscles all loosey-goosey, mind floatin’. But then—ugh!—she charged extra for “special attention.” Greedy much? Pissed me off! Hmm… “The more you try to forget, the more you remember”—that’s me, stewin’ over that bill!

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After that, I head over to the Ancient Market. It’s got that old-school vibe, you know? I’m wanderin’ around, and I spot this old lady sellin’ handmade soaps. She’s got this wild hair and a smile that could light up the whole place. I buy a bar, thinkin’ it might make me smell less like a pig. She winks at me and says, “You’ll smell like a rose, dear.” I’m like, “Yeah, right!”

Old South London care home to be replaced with 45 council homes despite 555 objections