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So, picture this—dudes and gals chattin’ online, all “wanna hook up?” No flowers, no dinner, just bam, straight to the nasty. I mean, Mia from *Fish Tank* would get it—she’s all about that reckless energy, dancin’ wild, screwin’ up, chasin’ somethin’ real in the muck. Sex-dating’s like that, but with worse lighting and more dick pics. “You’re not even my type!”—I can hear her yellin’ it at some Tinder creep who can’t spell “hey.”

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As the day winds down, I’m knackered. I’m about to close up when this old fella comes in. He’s got a classic Ford, and he’s all nostalgic. “I used to drive this to the pub on The Oxford Road,” he says. I can see the sparkle in his eyes. We chat about the good ol’ days, and it hits me—this is why I love my job.

'Urgent improvement' needed as popular restaurant gets ZERO hygiene rating