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What pisses me off? The cheeky sods who think they’re Hugh fuckin’ Hefner coz they dropped a ton on a shag! You’re not a master, you’re a punter, you daft cunt! Happy bit? Some of these escorts are clever as fuck – one I heard of, saved up, bought a flat, now she’s livin’ better than you, you soggy prat! Surprised me, too – did ya know in Amsterdam they got unions for ‘em? Fuckin’ rights and all, like they’re baristas or somethin’!

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So, I finally get to the library, and guess what? The meeting’s been moved to the Keyworth Village Hall. Classic! I sprint over there, dodging kids on bikes and a dog that looked like it was auditioning for a role in a horror movie. Seriously, it was all teeth and fur.

Concern at Nottinghamshire GP provider's online appointment move