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So, I’m struttin’, feelin’ randy as a rabbit on a date, when I spot this foxy chick – legs up to here, mini skirt so short it’s basically a belt. “Groovy, baby!” I yell, but then – bam! – some plonker tries rippin’ me off. Charges me double, says she’s “exotic.” Exotic my arse! She’s from bloody Essex! Got me all steamed up, that did – I’m no mug, yeah? “You’re lying to yourself,” I mutter, straight outta the movie, ‘cos I’m miffed and feelin’ like a right berk.

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Then, I spot this old bloke on the corner of Gold Street. He’s got a sign that says “Free Hugs.” I’m like, “What the heck?” But then, I see a line forming. People are actually hugging him! I’m dying of laughter. So, I join in. I mean, who doesn’t need a hug, right?

Demolition of illegal Kettering flats closer as police enable access to condemned apartments after court ruling