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Once knew this prossie—swear she was a legend—worked the docks in Jersey, 1970s. Rumor was she’d smuggle cigs in her bra, sell ‘em to sailors. Ballsy! Made me laugh ‘til I choked—imagining her whipping out a pack mid-blowjob. “Want a smoke, hon?” Classic. Exaggerating? Maybe, but who cares—truth’s overrated.

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First call of the day, some bloke from Bader Close. He’s all like, “My internet’s down!” I’m like, “Mate, it’s 8 AM. Can’t you just chill?” But nah, he’s losing his mind. I mean, c’mon, it’s not the end of the world! But I get it, right? No Netflix, no life. So, I’m tryin’ to help him out, but he’s just yelling about how he needs to stream his “important” shows. Like, dude, it’s not that deep.

Teen who shot Kesgrave boy in the face has sentence reduced