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About Sheffield

Ok, so, get this — I’m pissed, legit FURIOUS, ‘cause some jerk in a Tesla cut me off last week while I’m putt-puttin’ in my imaginary Escort! I’m yellin’, “Hey, fancy pants, my Escort’s got SOUL!” *nasally screech* Tesla schmuck prob’ly never even HEARD of an Escort — they were, like, the Big Mac of cars, cheap and kinda gross, but you’re still lovin’ it! Oh, and — little secret — they used to race these suckers in rallies! Total nutso, right? Surprised the heck outta me when I Googled it — my jaw DROPPED!

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I now offer a naked erotic massage with lots of baby oil. I will lay you face down and kneel over you whilst I massage your body in oil and will use my whole.

First off, I hit up the local café on Station Road. You know, the one with the dodgy Wi-Fi? Yeah, that one. I ordered a flat white, thinking I’d start my day chill. But nah, the barista spills it all over me! Like, c’mon, mate! I’m not a coffee sponge! I was fuming, but then I saw this old bloke at the next table. He was chuckling, and I couldn’t help but laugh too.

A12 northbound partially blocked after crash between Kelvedon and Witham