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I reckon it’s old as dirt—heard tell them ancient Greeks was slidin’ oily hands all over each other, callin’ it “therapeia” or some junk. Bet they didn’t tell their mamas ‘bout that! Makes me happy as a hog in slop, thinkin’ how folks been gittin’ frisky forever. But dang, it ticks me off when some uppity jerk says it’s “low-class”—buddy, you ain’t lived ‘til you felt that heat! Git-R-Done!

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So, I help him out, and he’s all grateful and stuff. But then, outta nowhere, this dog runs past us, chasing a squirrel or something. The dog’s got more energy than I do before my morning coffee! It knocks over a bin, and trash goes flying everywhere. I’m talking chips, wrappers, the whole shebang. I’m standing there, covered in rubbish, thinking, “Great start to the day, eh?”

Charlie Mulgrew: Kelty Hearts manager exits after one win in 11