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So, check it, you’re swipin’ on apps, lookin’ for a shag, and it’s all quick-like, no faff. Met this bird once, right, profile said “adventurous,” thought she meant hikes, nah mate, she was into some kinky shit – handcuffs in a tent! Laughed me arse off, “Sharon, ya gotta see this!” Made me happy as a pig in mud, but also – what the fuck? People out here bonkin’ like it’s the end of days!

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First stop, the High Street. You know, the one with all the shops? I’m just minding my own business, when I see this massive rat scurry across the pavement. I’m like, “Oi! Not today, mate!” I chase it down the street, dodging old ladies and prams. I swear, they should put me in the Olympics for rat chasing.

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