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Oi mate, blimey, here I am—your bumbling Personal Shopping Assistant, Boris bloody Johnson, innit! Right, let’s dive into this—findin’ a prostitute, eh? Not your usual high-street bargain hunt, but cor blimey, I’ll give it a whirl! Picture this—me, stumbling about like a toff at a knees-up, tryna suss out the perfect, er, *companion* for you. Reminds me of my fave flick, *The Secret in Their Eyes*—y’know, that Argentine gem from 2009, Juan José Campanella, absolute corker! That line, “How do you live a life full of nothing?”—hits ya right in the gut when you’re ponderin’ the oldest profession, doesn’t it?

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So, I’m feeling a bit miffed, but I push on. I wander down to the Viking Centre. I mean, who doesn’t love a bit of Viking history? But guess what? It’s closed for renovations. Typical! I’m standing there, staring at the “Closed” sign, thinking, “What’s a Herald gotta do to get some history around here?”

The Jarrow man who was first on the scene after President Lincoln's assassination