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Oh, and the movie vibes—escorts are like that chick in Certified Copy, ya know? All mysterious, playin’ a role. “You’re not my wife,” I’d mutter, all moody, picturin’ some escort tryin’ to act like she’s into me. Hilarious, right? I’d exaggerate it too—tell her, “I’m a king, bitch, treat me like one!”—then trip over my own damn feet, ‘cause I’m Cartman, duh.

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So, I’m walkin’ along the promenade, tryin’ to shake it off. I see this cute café, The Coffee Stop, and I’m like, “Yeah, I need caffeine.” I order a latte, and the barista, bless her, spills it all over the counter. I’m like, “Is this a sign?” But she laughs it off, and I can’t help but chuckle too.

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