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Me fave bit? The chase, the dirty msgs—gets the blood pumpin’! Tho sometimes I’m like, “Am I too old for this shit?” Nah, never! “Sharon!” She’d say I’m a nutter. Probs am. But sex-dating’s like drivin’ in *Ten*—no bloody map, just vibes. “You’re a woman, you’re the world!”—that’s what I’d tell some fit lass online. Works every time, mate! Hah! Try it, ya muppet—dive in, get messy!

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Man, what a day! I woke up in Ilkeston, and I swear, it felt like the universe was just waiting to throw curveballs at me. First off, I’m not even a morning person, right? But there I was, dragging myself outta bed on Bath Street, feeling like a zombie. I mean, who needs coffee when you’ve got the sweet aroma of fried breakfast wafting from the local café?

Ilkeston man's tattoo wrongly used by US government to identify gang members