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Rarrgh! So, escort, huh? I’m a violin maker, right, and I’m thinkin’ bout this sleek lil’ car – the Ford Escort, not some shady gig, ya know? Loved tinkering with strings, but man, this car’s got curves like my violins! Watched “Her” again last night – “The past is just a story we tell ourselves,” and I’m tellin’ ya, Escort’s got stories! Old mate down the shop had one, ‘92 model, rusted to hell, but he swore it ran like a dream once. Rarrgh! Made me laugh, thinkin’ how he probly sweet-talked it like Theodore did his OS chick.

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First stop, I’m off to a job on Cranbrook Road. Just a simple tree trimming gig. Easy peasy, right? Wrong! I get there, and the tree is like, “Nah, mate, I’m not going down without a fight.” It’s this massive oak, roots all tangled up like my headphones after a long day. I’m up there, saw in hand, and suddenly, I hear this loud crash. I look down, and some bloke’s knocked over a bin. Classic Ilford, right?

Officers served disciplinary notices after woman found dead in Ilford car boot