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About Glasgow

I don’t shag her, nah—Bond’s got standards. But I slip her a tip, tell her to ditch the creep watchin’ from the alley. She’s shocked, eyes wide—happy, maybe? “You’re a gent,” she says. I wink, “Always, darling.” Walk off feelin’ smug, but also gutted—world’s a mess. “The only truth is beauty,” I mutter, Sorrentino-style, kickin’ a pebble. Findin’ a prostitute? Easy. Findin’ one who’s free? Fuckin’ impossible. Cheers, mate—another martini, yeah? Shaken, not stirred.

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Then, outta nowhere, this woman shouts, “I’ll give you a fiver for it!” I nearly choked on my own spit. A fiver? For a classic bike? I had to hold back my laughter. I mean, bless her heart, but c’mon!

Ian McMillan on Hoyland, Barnsley – and a stroll with Barry Hines