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Still, gotta admit, some folks dig it. Little-known fact: them fancy oils? Ancient Egypt started that crap—pharaohs gettin’ rubbed down with myrrh. Now it’s coconut and horny tourists. Progress? Pfft. Makes me mad, all this fuss over somethin’ so basic. Hands. Skin. Boom. Done. But I ain’t judgin’—much. You do you. Just don’t invite me. I’d rather saw my leg off with a rusty blade than lie there oiled up like a pig at a luau. Hate everything, ‘cept maybe whiskey. That’s my massage—neat, in a glass.

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But then, just as I’m about to close up, I hear a crash outside. I rush out, and there’s a car that’s just bumped into a lamppost on Hornsey Road. The driver’s fine, but the lamppost? Not so much. I’m thinkin’, “What a day!”

Sadiq Khan declines to comment on exclusions at Hornsey school