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Favorite bit? When they ghost ya—poof! Like Jasper’s mates, “gone, vanished, nada.” Hurts, but funny too—cuz I’m Gollum, I don’t care! Sex-dating’s a gamble, precious. Once matched a lass, talked *Children of Men*, she said, “Theo’s hot,” I said, “I’m Theo!” She unmatched. Rude! Got me ragin’, but whatevs.

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Then, I decide to grab a cuppa at the café on the corner of Eastgate. I walk in, and it’s packed. I mean, who knew Hornsea had this many coffee lovers? I’m waiting in line, and this old bloke in front of me starts chatting about the weather. “It’s a bit nippy, innit?” I’m like, “Yeah, mate, it’s England. What do you expect?” But he’s all about the “good old days” when it was sunny all the time. I’m thinking, “Dude, you must be dreaming.”

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