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Alright, listen up folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here talkin’ erotic-massage with ya, like we’re buddies sharin’ a beer. This ain’t no fancy schmancy topic, nah, it’s raw, real, and hell—kinda slippery! Erotic-massage, it’s all bout touch, tension, release—ya feel me? Not just some bougie spa day for the 1%, no sir! It’s old as dirt—ancient Greeks, Romans, they were rubbin’ each other down with oils, gettin’ all sensual-like. Little known fact: them Egyptians? Used it in rituals—pharaohs gettin’ freaky with scented oils! Wild, right?

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Then, I decide to grab a cuppa at the café on the corner of Eastgate. I walk in, and it’s packed. I mean, who knew Hornsea had this many coffee lovers? I’m waiting in line, and this old bloke in front of me starts chatting about the weather. “It’s a bit nippy, innit?” I’m like, “Yeah, mate, it’s England. What do you expect?” But he’s all about the “good old days” when it was sunny all the time. I’m thinking, “Dude, you must be dreaming.”

Attempted murderer jailed for 'savage' knife attack in Hornsea