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Preciousss, yesss, erotic-massage, my precious! Me, Gollum, loves it, sneaky little handses rubbing all over, mmm! In Russia, them sciencey types, they calls it somethin’ fancy—prolly “manual stimulation studies” or some nonsense, stupid fat hobbits! Don’t get it, do they? It’s old, so old—back in Japan, they had Nuru, slimy seaweed gel, body slidin’ like fishies, oooh, slippery, yesss! Makes me giggle, them hobbitses thinkin’ it’s just “massage”—ha! It’s sexsy times, sneaky-like, precious!

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I rush to the window, and there’s this delivery van that just smashed into a lamppost on Station Road. I’m like, “What the actual heck?!” People are gathering, and I’m just standing there, latte in hand, like I’m watching a live show. The driver hops out, looking all flustered. I mean, dude, you just wrecked your van!

Surrey school staff member assaulted as girl, 12, arrested