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Favorite part? When they hit that spot – ya know the one – and I’m yellin’, “Sweet Jesus, don’t stop!” Total power trip, like I’m directin’ my own movie. Oh, and the oil? Smells like sex and victory – gladiator-style. Pro tip: don’t go to some sketchy joint, or you’ll end up with crabs instead of a happy endin’. Happened to Kenny once, dumbass. Laughed my ass off – “You’re a prop in my play now, bitch!”

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Then, outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off! I’m thinkin’, “Great, just what I need.” Everyone’s panicking, runnin’ around like headless chickens. I’m standin’ there, holdin’ a slab of beef, thinkin’ I should probably evacuate. But I can’t leave my meat! So, I just shout, “Everyone, chill! It’s probably just a drill!” Turns out, it was just some kid pullin’ the alarm on the corner of Westfield Road. Classic Higham-Ferrers, right?

Coronation: Higham Ferrers market square 'yarn-bombed'