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What gets me goat? The fakers. All “deep connection” then vanish—cowards. Reminds me of Ennis in *Brokeback*, too scared to grab what’s real. “You got no fuckin’ idea how bad it gets,” he’d say. Sex-dating’s the same—half want love, half want a quickie. Pick a lane, ya twats! Still, I’m fascinated—people bare their bits online like it’s nothing. Didja know some Victorian perv invented “telegraph flirting”? True story—sexting with wires, ballsy as hell.

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Lunchtime rolls around, and I decide to hit up the local chippy on Green Lane. Best fish and chips in town, no contest. I order the usual – cod and chips, extra salt. I’m waiting, and this kid in front of me drops his sausage roll. I’m like, “Dude, that’s tragic.” But then, he just picks it up and eats it! I’m gagging, but hey, no judgment, right?

‘Possible’ building work could start on Heywood, Middleton and Stockport tram extensions in four years