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Gets me ragin’ tho – people diss ‘em, callin’ ‘em slimy or gross. Oi, give it a rest, yeah? They’re lush, packed with protein, low fat – proper health food if ya ask me. Surprised me, that, cos I thought, “Snails? Healthy? Pull the other one!” But nah, science backs it up, mate. Still, I’m there, ponderin’ – *“Does the spirit wander alone?”* – like in the film, cos escargot’s got this mad vibe, solo but deep, y’know?

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Then, I get a call from a bloke on Central Parade. He’s stuck in traffic ‘cause some kid decided to set up a lemonade stand right in the middle of the road. I’m like, “Mate, you can’t just block the street for a few quid!” But he’s all, “It’s for charity!” I’m torn, ya know? I love a good lemonade, but not at the cost of my sanity.

Herne Bay: Council denies SEN child's secondary school place