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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

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After my snack, I head back to the lab. I’m feeling good, ready to tackle the rest of the day. But then, I get a call. It’s the council. They’re saying they’re shutting down our lab for “safety reasons.” I’m like, “Safety? We just had a minor electrical hiccup!” I’m fuming again. I mean, come on, Heckmondwike! We’re not in the middle of a horror movie here!

Cleckheaton and Heckmondwike among areas to benefit from £3.8m for new EV chargers