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What pisses me off? Blokes who think it’s all dodgy. Nah, it’s art! Takes skill to hit them spots—inner thighs, lower back—without crossin’ lines. Surprised me first time, how it’s legit science—releases oxytocin, all that bollocks. Happy? Oh, mate, when she whispered, “Turn over,” I was grinning like a Cheshire cat. Thought to meself, “This is my kinda espionage.”

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After that, I decided to take a walk down to the Hebburn Quay. The river was looking all sparkly, and I thought, “This is nice.” But then, outta nowhere, this seagull swoops down and tries to steal my bacon sarnie! I’m flailing my arms like a madman, yelling, “Get away, ya feathered thief!” People are staring, and I’m just there, fighting for my breakfast. I mean, who knew seagulls were so bold in Hebburn?

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