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Still, when it’s legit? Heaven, bro. Soft hands, warm oil, tension just melts. “Life’s a bottle of vodka,” like in Leviathan, but erotic-massage fills it with somethin’ sweeter, ya know? Had this buddy, swore it fixed his back AND his soul—exaggeratin’, sure, but I bought it! How you doin’ with that idea? Surprised me how it’s kinda artsy, not just dirty. Therapists train for YEARS, man, it’s no joke.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Canterbury Road. You know the one? The one with the weirdly named pastries? I ordered a “Hawkinge Delight” or whatever. It was just a scone, but hey, I’m not judging. I took a bite, and it was like a flavor explosion! I was like, “Yasss, this is gonna be a good day!” But then, boom! My phone buzzed.

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