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But real talk—it’s a jungle out there. Gotta watch for creeps, liars, and clingy types who say “just sex” then text ya 50 times. “Love seeks the rose,” Malick whispers in that movie—well, sex-dating’s more like seekin’ the thorn, if ya ask me. I’m Loki, tho—I thrive on that shit. Stir the pot, watch ‘em squirm. Ever try it? Spill yer guts, mate—what’s yer take? Oh, and if ya snag a hottie, don’t fuck it up—rare as a good mischief, that is! “I am burdened with glorious purpose”—and that’s to spill this tea, chaotic and raw!

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I call Dave back, and he’s still panicking. “You sure about this?” he asks. I’m like, “Trust me, mate. It’s gonna be fine.” I can feel my heart racing. I’m praying he doesn’t bail on me.

Have I unearthed a £1,000 Dior saddle handbag for £10 at a car boot sale? DAN HATFIELD replies