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Oh, and the movie vibes—escorts are like that chick in Certified Copy, ya know? All mysterious, playin’ a role. “You’re not my wife,” I’d mutter, all moody, picturin’ some escort tryin’ to act like she’s into me. Hilarious, right? I’d exaggerate it too—tell her, “I’m a king, bitch, treat me like one!”—then trip over my own damn feet, ‘cause I’m Cartman, duh.

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Finally, the rain stopped, and I thought, “Okay, let’s make the most of it.” I headed to the Haslemere Museum. It’s kinda quirky, but I love it. They had this exhibit on local history. I was all into it until I tripped over my own feet. Classic me, right? I fell right into a display. The curator was NOT happy. I was like, “Sorry, just trying to get a closer look!”

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