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Anyways, I’m laid out, gettin’ this sexual-massage, yeah, and it’s like, “This is the end, beautiful friend,” but nah, it’s the start, innit! Tingles up me spine, bruv, I’m gassed! Thought in me head: “This bird’s hands are magic, fam!” She’s hittin’ spots I didn’t even know I had—prostate action, even! Little secret, yeah, them Tantric lot been doin’ that for yonks, keeps you zen or summat. Blew me mind, that did.

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. I mean, proper rain. I’m soaked in seconds. I’m cursing the weather gods, like, “Really? It was sunny two minutes ago!” I dash for cover under a tree on West Park, but it’s no use. I’m drenched. My plants are probably laughin’ at me. “Look at the gardener, all wet and grumpy!”

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