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I reckon it’s a game of masks. Folks strut about, all “look at me,” but half’s fake as a wooden shilling. Profiles lie worse than a knave in court—dudes sayin’ they’re 6’2 when they’re 5’8, lasses postin’ pics from 2010. Drives me up the wall, it does! Last week, I matched this bird—gorgeous, right? Bio says “loves hikes, deep chats.” Meet her, and she’s glued to her phone, mumbling ‘bout TikTok. I’m like, “Thou art not what thou seem’st!” Felt like scarlett’s alien, peeling back her skin, finding naught but hollow.

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But then, outta nowhere, this guy walks in. He’s got a massive dog with him. I mean, HUGE. Like, I’m pretty sure it’s part bear. The dog starts sniffing around, and I’m like, “Dude, keep your bear on a leash!” But the guy’s just chillin’, ordering a mocha like it’s no big deal. I’m trying to focus, but the dog’s now eyeing the pastries. I’m sweating again, thinking, “Please don’t eat the croissants!”

Four charged with murder and fifth arrested after man stabbed to death in Harringay