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Now, don’t get yer knickers twisted – it’s not all hanky-panky. Can be dead therapeutic, ease the old back, *cave felis*, beware the cat, cos I’m purring after! Laughed my arse off when this geezer said it cured his baldness – mate, you’re still shiny as a cue ball! Me fave bit? When they whisper, “Turn over,” and you’re half-asleep, half-oi-oi – pure bliss. Reckon Varda’d film it, all slow-like, hands gliding, “Time slips away,” she’d murmur.

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But then, I’m like, “What’s next?” I need some food. I hit up this little café on Church Lane. The vibe is chill, and the coffee? Oh man, it’s like a hug in a mug. I order a bacon sarnie, and it’s like heaven. I’m munchin’ away, and I overhear this couple arguing about the best way to get to Uxbridge. I mean, c’mon, it’s not rocket science! Just take the A40, people!

Uxbridge fire as traffic builds and London buses diverted in town centre