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Hey girlfriend, listen up! Sexual-massage, ooooh chile, it’s a trip! I’m Oprah freakin’ Winfrey, honey, and I’m here to spill the tea! You get a car! You get a vibe! This ain’t no regular rubdown, nah uh. It’s sensual, it’s steamy, it’s like—whoa! Hands slidin’, oil drippin’, tension meltin’ away. I saw this flick, “A Separation,” right? That line, “I can’t live with lies,” hits me. Sexual-massage? It’s truth, baby! No fakin’ it here. You feel every touch, every breath—real as hell.

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I decide to take a stroll along the riverbank. It’s nice, you know? The views of the Hampton Court Palace across the water are stunning. But then I spot this old bloke trying to fish. He’s got this massive net, and I’m thinking, “What’s he trying to catch? A whale?” Turns out, he’s just after some tiny fish. I mean, bless him, but it’s like fishing in a kiddie pool.

"It's been an honour": Hampton Wick councillor reflects on time as Tenant's Champion as he moves into new Council role