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I tried it once—D’oh!—at this shady joint downtown. Lady’s hands were magic, like she’s playin’ me like a fretboard. Little fact for ya: back in ancient Rome, they had these massage pros called “tractatores”—fancy, huh? Made me happy as a pig in mud, but then—argh!—Marge found out, and I was toast. “Why can’t you touch me like that, Homer?!” she yells. Made me mad—c’mon, I ain’t no pro! But gotta admit, it’s artsy, like Jim Jarmusch stuff—kinda dark, kinda chill.

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So, I get to the shop, and it’s already a madhouse. The phone’s ringin’ off the hook, and I’ve got Mrs. Jenkins from down the road yellin’ at me about her order. “I wanted the best cuts, not this rubbish!” she says. I mean, come on, lady, I’m not a magician! I’m just a butcher tryin’ to make a livin’.

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