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So, last week, I’m at this dodgy spa—shady vibes, right? This bird’s hands were magic, like Eve’s in the movie, all “tangled up in you.” Made me happy as a pig in muck! But—get this—the bloke next door starts moanin’ like a bleedin’ walrus. Pissed me right off! Wanted to yell, “Oi, keep it down, you twat!”—but nah, stayed cool, “shaken, not stirred,” yeah? Surprised me how bloody loud some punters get—mate, it’s a massage, not a porno!

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So, I’m sitting there, trying to focus, when my phone buzzes. It’s my mate, Jamie. He’s like, “You won’t believe what just happened!” I’m thinking, “Oh great, what now?” Turns out, he’s at the Haddington Farmers’ Market, and he’s just seen a goat escape! A goat! I’m cracking up, picturing this little guy running wild down the street.

County man retires after an incredible 49-year career at the same company