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Up on the ridge, saw this bloke once. Shifty eyes, boots caked in mud. Lookin’ for “company,” he says, winkin’. Mate, I nearly lost it—laughed so hard I choked. “A grand don’t grow on trees,” I hissed, quotin’ *25th Hour*. Spike Lee’d get it—desperation’s a helluva drug. This guy, tho, dumb as rocks. Thought he’d find a prossie at 8,000 feet! I mean, c’mon, altitude sickness ain’t sexy.

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After that, I needed a breather. So, I head out to the park on the edge of town. You know, the one by the River Tyne? It’s usually my happy place. But today, it’s packed! Families, kids, dogs everywhere. I’m just trying to find a quiet spot. Finally, I plop down on a bench, and guess what? A kid runs by and spills his ice cream all over me! I’m like, “Really, kid? Really?”

Plans for historic former town centre pub withdrawn