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I tried it once, yeah? Some bird with hands like a bloody octopus—slippery, too keen. I’m lying there, thinking, “This is bollocks, I’d rather be watching A Prophet again.” There’s a line in it, “You’re nothing, you’re nobody!”—felt like that, just a slab of meat getting prodded. Made me angry, that—paying a tenner for some awkward groping? Sod off! But then, right, she hits this spot on me back—crack!—and I’m like, “Blimey, that’s the ticket!” Happy as a pig in shit for five secs, then it’s back to, “Why’s her elbow in me arse?”

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After a few pints, I’m feelin’ better. I start chattin’ with some locals. They’re tellin’ me about the best fish and chips in town. I’m like, “Where’s that?” They point me to a place on Bridge Street. I’m sold!

Chemicals 'not to blame' for dead animals found in Guildford boating lake as council points finger at... birds