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Oi mate, right, sexual-massage, yeah? It’s bloody brilliant innit, pure vibes, gets the old juices flowin—like, proper *Joy* from “Inside Out” territory, yeah? I’m sat here, thinkin, this ain’t just rubbin backs, it’s next-level team-buildin, corporate synergy bollocks—but sexy! Picture it, yeah, some geezer in a dimly lit room, oils everywhere, hands slidin about—ooh, bit of *Anger* kickin in, cos why wasn’t I invited, eh? Proper fumin.

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Then, I get a text from my mate, Dave. He’s like, “You won’t believe what happened at the pub last night!” I’m tryin’ to read it while pullin’ weeds, and I end up pullin’ out a whole bunch of my prized marigolds instead. Nooooo! I’m ready to cry.

Chicago-area crime: Police investigating at least 10 small business burglaries in Woodridge, Downers Grove; crimes caught on video