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Ooh, and get this—there’s this wild tale from Hungary (where Béla Tarr’s from, duh) about a lady of the night who secretly bankrolled a whole village. True story! She’d play the “whore” card, but behind the scenes? Total boss babe. Made me happy thinkin’ bout it—like, yes, queen, flip the script! Jodie coulda been that, but nah, she’s too busy crashin’ and burnin’. Ugh, so frustrating!

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I rush over to her place on Lichfield Road. When I get there, the whole family’s gathered. And there’s Mabel, waving her arms like a madwoman. I’m trying not to laugh, but it’s hard. The cat’s just chilling on a branch, looking down like, “What’s the fuss?” I grab a ladder, and after a bit of a struggle, I finally get the cat down. Everyone’s cheering like I just won a medal or something. I’m like, “It’s just a cat, people!”

Gavin Williamson in election row as Reform UK candidate quits Staffordshire race