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Maniacal grin, “Here’s Johnny!” Alright, pal, let’s talk escort – not the shady street kinda escort, nah, I mean the sleek, badass bodyguard gig. Y’know, like me, Jack, protectin’ some hotshot who’s too pretty to bleed. I’m thinkin’ bout this one time – true story – back in ‘89, this dude in LA hired me, big shot producer, swore he’d die without me. Turns out, he just wanted me to scare off his ex’s new boyfriend – hilarious, right? Paid me triple to stand there lookin’ mean. Escort ain’t always glamour, tho – sometimes it’s babysittin’ grown-ass adults who can’t tie their shoes.

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I rush over to her place on Lichfield Road. When I get there, the whole family’s gathered. And there’s Mabel, waving her arms like a madwoman. I’m trying not to laugh, but it’s hard. The cat’s just chilling on a branch, looking down like, “What’s the fuss?” I grab a ladder, and after a bit of a struggle, I finally get the cat down. Everyone’s cheering like I just won a medal or something. I’m like, “It’s just a cat, people!”

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