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I tink it’s funny, dis whole ting. Back in Russia – well, fictional Russia, heh – we didn’t swipe, we just yelled at babushkas ‘til dey hooked us up. Now? You got 19-year-olds sextin’ strangers like it’s normal. Little fact for ya – didja know da first “sex-dating” site popped up in da 90s? Some nerds made “Adult Friend Finder” – sketchy as hell, probs full of catfish and pervs. Still is! Makes me laugh, dese idiots sendin’ dick pics like it’s a resume.

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First off, I hit up the local café on Church Street. You know, the one with the best scones? Yeah, that one. I ordered a latte and a scone, thinking I’d just sit and enjoy the view of the hills. But nooo, the barista was having a meltdown. Like, dude, chill! He spilled milk everywhere. I mean, I get it, we all have bad days, but come on! I was like, “Hey, it’s all good, just give me my caffeine fix!”

'People want to walk down the pavement without an HGV smashing into them'