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My precious! Sex-dating, eh? Raspy growl, me likes it! So, dis whole online hookup ting—wild, innit? Swipin’ left, right, like some horny squirrel. Saw dis one profile—dude’s pic, shirtless, flexin’. Made me laugh, “We wants it!” Total clown show, but got me thinkin’. Like Jep Gambardella in *The Great Beauty*—all flash, no soul, ya know? “What’s beneath all this?” I mutters.

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So, I’m sipping my drink, scrolling through my phone, and BOOM! My mate texts me. “Let’s hit the park!” I’m like, “Which park?” There’s a few, but I’m thinking about the one near the library on Church Street. It’s got that nice little pond, ducks and all.

Council issue statement after 11-days of roadworks and closures postponed