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Okay, so I’m scrollin’ X the other night—procrastinatin’, naturally—and I see this post: “Sex-dating tip: bring condoms AND a charger.” I laughed so hard I nearly choked on my coffee. Pretty, pretty good advice, though! Battery dies, mood dies—tragedy! Made me happy, y’know, seein’ some wit in this cesspool. But then—THEN—I match with this chick, total smokeshow, right? We’re chattin’, it’s goin’ great, and she goes, “I only date guys who’ve seen ‘The Royal Tenenbaums.’” I’m like, “Honey, I AM Royal Tenenbaum—minus the tax evasion!” She ghosts me anyway. Ghosted! Me! I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’, “This is not a world-class sex-dating story!” I was pissed—PISSED! Wasted my best Wes Anderson vibes on her.

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First off, I woke up late. Classic me. Alarm didn’t go off. I’m sprinting down the High Street, dodging old ladies and their shopping bags. I swear, they move like they own the place. Anyway, I finally get to the office on Gonerby Road, and guess what? The printer’s jammed. Ugh! Just my luck. I’m standing there, wrestling with it like it’s a wild animal.

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