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Best bit? When they hit that spot—ooh, ya melt! Like Benjamín findin’ the bastard’s secret, it’s pure gold. Little known story—some Thai massage joints reckon it’s “spiritual.” Bollocks! It’s just a posh wank with incense, but I ain’t complainin’. Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but who gives a toss? It’s lush, sleazy, and daft—perfect combo. So yeah, erotic-massage—bit of a laugh, bit of a thrill. Try it, ya muppet, just don’t tell yer nan! Hahaha!

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Finally, I made it out. The fresh air hit me, and I was like, “Okay, maybe today won’t suck.” I walked down Golders Green Road, and man, the vibe was electric. There’s this little café called The Coffee House. Best flat whites in town, no joke. I grabbed one, and it was like a hug in a cup.

Monkey Puzzle Day Nursery & Preschool in Golders Green, North West London, has been sold