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So, I’m picturin’ it—layin’ there, oil everywhere, hands slidin’ all over, and I’m like, “Yes, bitch, respect my authoritah!” It’s not just some lame backrub, nah, it’s got that naughty edge. Did ya know, back in ancient China, emperors got these massages from like, 20 concubines at once? Freakin’ insane! Bet they were all, “Oh, emperor, you so tense!”—suckers probably died happy. Makes me mad tho—where’s MY concubines, huh? I deserve that shit!

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Then, outta nowhere, my mate Dave shows up. He’s always got some wild story. Today, he’s like, “You won’t believe what happened at the pub last night!” I’m thinkin’, “Oh boy, here we go.” Turns out, he tried to impress this girl by doin’ a backflip off the bar. Spoiler alert: he landed flat on his face. Classic Dave! I’m laughin’ so hard, I nearly drop a pane of glass.

Godalming locals give their brutal opinions on Nigel Farage, Rishi Sunak and Sir Keir Starmer