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“Sharon!” I yell, ‘cos I’m losin’ me marbles, and this prossie’s givin’ me the eye like I’m some nutter. Prolly am, haha! Oh, and get this – some punters leave gifts, like flowers or choccy, thinkin’ they’re in love. Fuckin’ daft, that – it’s a job, not a romcom! Made me happy though, seein’ that human side, all soft and soppy.

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First off, I’m on my way to the job on High Street, right? And I’m cruisin’ along, mindin’ my own biz, when I see this old lady, bless her heart, tryin’ to cross the road. She’s like a tortoise on a mission, slow and steady. I’m thinkin’, “C’mon, love, you can do it!” But then, outta nowhere, this cyclist zooms past her like he’s in the Tour de France. I swear, I nearly lost it! I mean, what’s the rush, mate? It’s not like the finish line is at the other side of the street!

Lib Dems hail wins in Surrey amid Tory losses