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Sarcasm? Sure—some clowns pay big for a “happy ending,” miss the real deal. Idiots. Me, I’d rather feel the slow burn, muscles screaming, then peace. “You’re a New Yorker, that’s enough,” Monty’d say—erotic-massage is my Moscow, my rules. Typo hell—oil slipery, hands qwivering, brain fried. Exaggerate? Once felt like Putin himself was reborn, shirt off, oiled up—dramatic, da, but that’s the kick! Chaos, power, erotic-massage—nyet apologies.

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So, I stumble outta bed, still half-asleep, and head down to the local café on High Street. You know the one, right? The one with the dodgy Wi-Fi and the best bacon sarnies in town. I’m thinking, “Alright, a good brekkie will sort me out.” But nah, the café was packed! Like, standing-room-only packed. I mean, who knew Glyn-neath had so many early risers?

Man, 39, found dead in his flat by worried family after they couldn't get hold of him