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Aye, precious, listen up! Sex-dating’s a bloody mess, innit? Like, you swipe right, thinkin’ “she’s fit,” then bam – ghosted! Stupid, fat hobbit! Makes me wanna scream, “What’s the trick, eh?” Been butcherin’ meat all day, hands stinkin’ of blood, and these apps? They’re worse than a pig’s arse. “We build our own cages,” like Kaufman says in *Synecdoche* – fuckin’ true, mate! You’re trapped, scrollin’, hopin’ for a shag, but nah, just bots and weirdos.

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Anyway, I finally find what I need. It’s this ancient scroll about the history of the Docks. Super cool, right? But then, I drop it. Yup, I dropped a piece of history. I’m freaking out, thinking I’m gonna get kicked out of the archives for life. But the archivist, bless her, just laughs and says, “Don’t worry, love. It’s tougher than it looks.” Phew!

Murphy to take over at Gloucester-Hartpury