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I seen it, man—escorts got game! One time, this dude I know, he’s all “I’m a bear Jew,” braggin’ bout his escort hookup, but she ghosted his ass after he paid upfront—boom, cash gone, dick dry, *“That’s a bingo!”* I laughed so hard I cried, fam! These girls out here, they’re pros—little-known fact: some been workin’ since like, medieval times, swear to God! Kings used to call ‘em “courtesans,” now it’s just “yo, Venmo me, bro.” History’s freaky, right?

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And then, the match starts. I’m cheering, I’m shouting, I’m losing my voice. Giffnock’s alive! But then, the other team scores. I’m fuming! I’m like, “No way! This can’t be happening!” The locals are laughing at my outrage. I’m just a clueless outsider, but I’m in it now.

Huge £1million cocaine haul found in one of Scotland's plushest neighbourhoods as two men arrested