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Best bit? The chase, arr! That buzz when ye match, like spottin’ land after months at sea. Worst? The ghostin’—lass says “aye,” then vanishes quicker’n a sloop in fog. Pisses me off, that does! Why bother if ye ain’t serious? I’d rather wrestle a kraken than decode that nonsense.

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As the night goes on, I’m laughing with these guys. Turns out, they’re from Nottingham, just out for a laugh. We’re swapping stories, and I’m telling them about my job. They’re all wide-eyed, like I’m some sort of superhero. “You cut bones? That’s mental!” I’m like, “Yeah, mate, but it’s not as cool as it sounds.”

Schools Bill will result in cheaper uniform costs for parents and carers, ministers claim