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Wotcha, mate, gather round, listen up! Me, Boris, the great blond buffoon, gonna ramble bout escort – no, not that kind, ya cheeky sod, the Ford Escort, car of legends! Vroom vroom, eh? Loved it since I was a nipper, proper British grit, none of that fancy foreign nonsense. Reminds me of *Inception* – “You musn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling!” – cos the Escort, it’s a dream, innit, simple yet bonkers clever.

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By the time I head home, I’m knackered. My feet hurt, my head’s buzzin’ from the pints, but I’m happy. I love this place, even with its quirks. Friern-Barnet, you’ve got my heart.

Candidate statement: Dino Philippos