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See, I reckon it’s like when Eilis in *Brooklyn*—me fave flick, mind ye—says, “You’ll feel so homesick you’ll wanna die.” That’s me after a bad rub-down, mate! Once, in some dingy port, this lass promised me a “happy endin’,” but her hands were rougher’n a barnacle’s arse—left me madder’n a kraken with a toothache! I says, “Lass, ye call that pleasure? I’ve had better from a ship’s rope!” She just smirked, like she knew somethin’ I didn’t. Savvy?

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They look at me like I’m the fun police. I mean, I get it, seagulls can be annoying, but c’mon! They’re just tryin’ to live their best life. I give ‘em a lecture about respectin’ nature. They roll their eyes and go back to throwin’ stones. Kids these days, right?

Gers' Scottish Cup rivals Fraserburgh bottle their own whisky before Ibrox trip