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But real talk—humans still rule this game. Didja know, in ancient China, emperors got these rubdowns? Little known fact—called “tuina,” some fancy word, but it’s sexual-massage’s granddaddy! Freaky, right? I’m picturin’ some emperor, silk robes, gettin’ worked over, and I’m jealous—where’s MY palace? Today, it’s all shady parlors—neon signs, “Massage,” wink-wink. Drives me insane—can’t tell legit from sleazy! Once went to one—true story—lady’s like, “Happy ending?” I’m like, “What am I, a Pixar movie?” Laughed my ass off, but damn, I was tempted!

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Suddenly, the bell rings. It’s a kid, maybe ten years old. He’s got this huge grin. “Can you fix my trainers?” he asks. They’re in pieces! I mean, I’ve seen better shoes in a dumpster. But the kid’s eyes are all sparkly, and I can’t say no.

After a combined attack on the Russian Black Sea Fleet base, a Russian aircrew ended up in the sea