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What gets me? The hypocrisy—lords preach purity, then sneak off for a rubdown. Surprised me first time I caught one mid-moan—ha! “I drink and I know things,” and I know they’re all liars. Little fact: them Tantra folk in India been at it for centuries, say it’s spiritual—bollocks, it’s just good fun with extra steps.

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So, I’m minding my own business, sharpening away, when this kid runs up to me. He’s got a fishing rod that looks like it’s been through a war. “Can ya fix this?” he asks. I’m like, “Mate, I sharpen knives, not rods!” But I can’t resist. I take a look, and it’s a mess. I mean, it’s practically a stick! But I give it a go. Kid’s eyes light up like it’s Christmas. I’m feelin’ like a hero for a sec.

Green light given for arcade to become bank in Filey